I haven't been blogging (about myself) because I haven't felt like I had anything to say. Nothing profound, or clever or interesting was going on in my life. Which I think is the root of my problem. I drink out of boredom and guilt and shame about being bored and useless and become bored and useless because I'm drinking.
Now I do have some news to tell; I have stopped drinking. Well, almost. I started therapy with an addiction specialist in February. Today is 32 days since I started on new anti-depressants, and Naltrexone, a medication which eliminates alcohol cravings. And it does. It really, really does. For me. In those 32 days, I can count on one hand the number of glasses of wine I have consumed and each was away from home at a social function. I went 21 days without drinking at all, until a reunion event where I had one small glass of white wine I didn't even finish. And that has also been the case on the other occasions. And when I drank, I appreciated the taste of the wine, not the buzz, which never came. In the past, I generally drank before the occasion, to prepare for the occasion, drank at the occasion, and more when I got home. And I had started drinking earlier and earlier each day.
Which brings me to the question: Am I cheating? I have tried for three plus years to stop, made it a week or two, and once almost 90 days. And of course, relapsed with a vengeance, drinking more and more often than before trying to quit. I went to AA, pretty faithfully, got a sponsor, twice, but it never stuck. I tried to reconcile a HP, be willing, do the steps...it just hasn't clicked for me.
So I am feeling proud of my progress but bad about failing AA. And as if I have let all my cyber sober friends down.
In the meantime, I am still seeing my therapist, Rachel, working on the issues which may be the reason I drink (other that I am an alcoholic, which I am not unwilling to admit) . It is not exactly a step program but I am facing issues within me and my life.
I won't say that I'm never doing AA again or that I'll stop drinking by staying on this drug forever. I don't know what's next right now. An obvious question is why bother with just one at all? I don't know that right now either. What I do know is that this is what is working for me now, and I am happy to be feeling more present and worthwhile.
What do you think?
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Cheating?
I haven't been blogging (about myself) because I haven't felt like I had anything to say. Nothing profound, or clever or interesting was going on in my life. Which I think is the root of my problem. I drink out of boredom and guilt and shame about being bored and useless and become bored and useless because I'm drinking.
Now I do have some news to tell; I have stopped drinking. Well, almost. I started therapy with an addiction specialist in February. Today is 32 days since I started on new anti-depressants, and Naltrexone, a medication which eliminates alcohol cravings. And it does. It really, really does. For me. In those 32 days, I can count on one hand the number of glasses of wine I have consumed and each was away from home at a social function. I went 21 days without drinking at all, until a reunion event where I had one small glass of white wine I didn't even finish. And that has also been the case on the other occasions. And when I drank, I appreciated the taste of the wine, not the buzz, which never came. In the past, I generally drank before the occasion, to prepare for the occasion, drank at the occasion, and more when I got home. And I had started drinking earlier and earlier each day.
Which brings me to the question: Am I cheating? I have tried for three plus years to stop, made it a week or two, and once almost 90 days. And of course, relapsed with a vengeance, drinking more and more often than before trying to quit. I went to AA, pretty faithfully, got a sponsor, twice, but it never stuck. I tried to reconcile a HP, be willing, do the steps...it just hasn't clicked for me.
So I am feeling proud of my progress but bad about failing AA. And as if I have let all my cyber sober friends down.
In the meantime, I am still seeing my therapist, Rachel, working on the issues which may be the reason I drink (other that I am an alcoholic, which I am not unwilling to admit) . It is not exactly a step program but I am facing issues within me and my life.
I won't say that I'm never doing AA again or that I'll stop drinking by staying on this drug forever. I don't know what's next right now. An obvious question is why bother with just one at all? I don't know that right now either. What I do know is that this is what is working for me now, and I am happy to be feeling more present and worthwhile.
What do you think?
Friday, March 16, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Ode to Mary
March 11, 1956 - July 15, 2008
Almost four years ago on July 15, 2008, my BFF since middle school died. Cause of death was not officially labeled suicide or alcoholism, but I believe she died from both or either. She was found unconscious at the bottom of her basement stairs, and was taken off of life support two days later, never regaining consciousness.
Mary and I went way back, to eighth grade where we were both new girls to the local Catholic elementary. She was an army brat whose dad retired from the military and took a job as Deputy D. A. We were both children of older parents, new to the school, and ihad a crush on the same eighth grade boy, which gave us much in common. She had a twin sister which was fascinating to me, but they were not close. And so our friendship blossomed.
We graduated from that Catholic elementary and went on to one of the two all girl Catholic schools in our city. We both scored high on the entrance exam and earned scholarships. Our families carpooled so we saw even more of each other.
Our high school career consisted of experimentation with boys, alcohol and drugs. I was more adventurous than she, so she was usually following in my footsteps. And I could always hold my liquor and drugs better. We told each other about everything; boys, sex, sorrows and successes...
After high school, we went our separate ways but always kept in touch. We partied together on college break, double dated, and even worked summer jobs together. In our twenties we became roommates, and partied hard, together and apart. We took a trip to Mexico where we had the time of our lives. I was with her when she met her husband, in a bar we frequented every weekend. They were married five years later, while I in the meantime, got married and divorced. We were in each other's weddings.
Through it all, we kept in touch and had a yearly out of town reunion where we would travel for a party weekend with a transplanted old friend. We kept this up for years, even after kids. It was our "bad girl" weekend, particularly Mary's, who was living in a reural area and didn't get out much. In retrospect, it was a clue to her future alcohol problem, which I had first caught a glimpse of on our trip to Mexico.
It was as if alcohol made her a different person. Total loss of inhibition and sensibility, and there were blackouts, always.
When we weren't together, I assumed she was living a happy existence with hubby and only child, and we'd catch up on our trip or phone calls now and then. I had my kids eventually and even the annual trip fizzled out.
The last few times I spoke to Mary, she told me things that were incomprehensible to me. Her husband had thrown her out and had full custody. She was a practicing wicken living with a new love. She had conversations with her dead father. I listened helplessly and chose not to get involved. I had my own twin toddlers and elderly parents keeping me busy and no time for that drama. Eventually we lost touch.
When I received the call from her sister, she only left a message to call her back for news about Mary, but I knew right away. It was heartbreaking and awful.
I often felt guilty for "abandoning" her, as if I really could have done anything. Part of my be all things to all people syndrome, especially your best friends.
I have learned in my struggle towards sobriety that only the drinker can change the downward spiral. And it is really, really hard. It really does ruin lives, and not just the victims', but families' too.
I wasn't there for Mary and can't be again, but I can offer up my sobriety to her and hope I help some others by example.
Almost four years ago on July 15, 2008, my BFF since middle school died. Cause of death was not officially labeled suicide or alcoholism, but I believe she died from both or either. She was found unconscious at the bottom of her basement stairs, and was taken off of life support two days later, never regaining consciousness.
Mary and I went way back, to eighth grade where we were both new girls to the local Catholic elementary. She was an army brat whose dad retired from the military and took a job as Deputy D. A. We were both children of older parents, new to the school, and ihad a crush on the same eighth grade boy, which gave us much in common. She had a twin sister which was fascinating to me, but they were not close. And so our friendship blossomed.
We graduated from that Catholic elementary and went on to one of the two all girl Catholic schools in our city. We both scored high on the entrance exam and earned scholarships. Our families carpooled so we saw even more of each other.
Our high school career consisted of experimentation with boys, alcohol and drugs. I was more adventurous than she, so she was usually following in my footsteps. And I could always hold my liquor and drugs better. We told each other about everything; boys, sex, sorrows and successes...
After high school, we went our separate ways but always kept in touch. We partied together on college break, double dated, and even worked summer jobs together. In our twenties we became roommates, and partied hard, together and apart. We took a trip to Mexico where we had the time of our lives. I was with her when she met her husband, in a bar we frequented every weekend. They were married five years later, while I in the meantime, got married and divorced. We were in each other's weddings.
Through it all, we kept in touch and had a yearly out of town reunion where we would travel for a party weekend with a transplanted old friend. We kept this up for years, even after kids. It was our "bad girl" weekend, particularly Mary's, who was living in a reural area and didn't get out much. In retrospect, it was a clue to her future alcohol problem, which I had first caught a glimpse of on our trip to Mexico.
It was as if alcohol made her a different person. Total loss of inhibition and sensibility, and there were blackouts, always.
When we weren't together, I assumed she was living a happy existence with hubby and only child, and we'd catch up on our trip or phone calls now and then. I had my kids eventually and even the annual trip fizzled out.
The last few times I spoke to Mary, she told me things that were incomprehensible to me. Her husband had thrown her out and had full custody. She was a practicing wicken living with a new love. She had conversations with her dead father. I listened helplessly and chose not to get involved. I had my own twin toddlers and elderly parents keeping me busy and no time for that drama. Eventually we lost touch.
When I received the call from her sister, she only left a message to call her back for news about Mary, but I knew right away. It was heartbreaking and awful.
I often felt guilty for "abandoning" her, as if I really could have done anything. Part of my be all things to all people syndrome, especially your best friends.
I have learned in my struggle towards sobriety that only the drinker can change the downward spiral. And it is really, really hard. It really does ruin lives, and not just the victims', but families' too.
I wasn't there for Mary and can't be again, but I can offer up my sobriety to her and hope I help some others by example.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tftd
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” ― Albert Einstein
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