I haven't been blogging (about myself) because I haven't felt like I had anything to say. Nothing profound, or clever or interesting was going on in my life. Which I think is the root of my problem. I drink out of boredom and guilt and shame about being bored and useless and become bored and useless because I'm drinking.
Now I do have some news to tell; I have stopped drinking. Well, almost. I started therapy with an addiction specialist in February. Today is 32 days since I started on new anti-depressants, and Naltrexone, a medication which eliminates alcohol cravings. And it does. It really, really does. For me. In those 32 days, I can count on one hand the number of glasses of wine I have consumed and each was away from home at a social function. I went 21 days without drinking at all, until a reunion event where I had one small glass of white wine I didn't even finish. And that has also been the case on the other occasions. And when I drank, I appreciated the taste of the wine, not the buzz, which never came. In the past, I generally drank before the occasion, to prepare for the occasion, drank at the occasion, and more when I got home. And I had started drinking earlier and earlier each day.
Which brings me to the question: Am I cheating? I have tried for three plus years to stop, made it a week or two, and once almost 90 days. And of course, relapsed with a vengeance, drinking more and more often than before trying to quit. I went to AA, pretty faithfully, got a sponsor, twice, but it never stuck. I tried to reconcile a HP, be willing, do the steps...it just hasn't clicked for me.
So I am feeling proud of my progress but bad about failing AA. And as if I have let all my cyber sober friends down.
In the meantime, I am still seeing my therapist, Rachel, working on the issues which may be the reason I drink (other that I am an alcoholic, which I am not unwilling to admit) . It is not exactly a step program but I am facing issues within me and my life.
I won't say that I'm never doing AA again or that I'll stop drinking by staying on this drug forever. I don't know what's next right now. An obvious question is why bother with just one at all? I don't know that right now either. What I do know is that this is what is working for me now, and I am happy to be feeling more present and worthwhile.
What do you think?
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Cheating?
I haven't been blogging (about myself) because I haven't felt like I had anything to say. Nothing profound, or clever or interesting was going on in my life. Which I think is the root of my problem. I drink out of boredom and guilt and shame about being bored and useless and become bored and useless because I'm drinking.
Now I do have some news to tell; I have stopped drinking. Well, almost. I started therapy with an addiction specialist in February. Today is 32 days since I started on new anti-depressants, and Naltrexone, a medication which eliminates alcohol cravings. And it does. It really, really does. For me. In those 32 days, I can count on one hand the number of glasses of wine I have consumed and each was away from home at a social function. I went 21 days without drinking at all, until a reunion event where I had one small glass of white wine I didn't even finish. And that has also been the case on the other occasions. And when I drank, I appreciated the taste of the wine, not the buzz, which never came. In the past, I generally drank before the occasion, to prepare for the occasion, drank at the occasion, and more when I got home. And I had started drinking earlier and earlier each day.
Which brings me to the question: Am I cheating? I have tried for three plus years to stop, made it a week or two, and once almost 90 days. And of course, relapsed with a vengeance, drinking more and more often than before trying to quit. I went to AA, pretty faithfully, got a sponsor, twice, but it never stuck. I tried to reconcile a HP, be willing, do the steps...it just hasn't clicked for me.
So I am feeling proud of my progress but bad about failing AA. And as if I have let all my cyber sober friends down.
In the meantime, I am still seeing my therapist, Rachel, working on the issues which may be the reason I drink (other that I am an alcoholic, which I am not unwilling to admit) . It is not exactly a step program but I am facing issues within me and my life.
I won't say that I'm never doing AA again or that I'll stop drinking by staying on this drug forever. I don't know what's next right now. An obvious question is why bother with just one at all? I don't know that right now either. What I do know is that this is what is working for me now, and I am happy to be feeling more present and worthwhile.
What do you think?
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It's not cheating. It's doing whatever it takes. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteErin
I think you are trying different things and seeing what works. Good for you! An addiction specialist sounds like a great resource. Just keep being honest with yourself, which it sounds like you are doing. And keep blogging!
ReplyDeleteXO
Trish...You are finding your path. Everyone's if different. I love you and have faith you will do great!! Jana
ReplyDeleteThanks Jana. So glad we are in this together and each back on the path.
DeleteTrish
xoxo
I just found your blog and I am really enjoying it. I had a baby at 39 so I understand about being the "old" mom. I don't consider myself old...
ReplyDeleteI also struggle with drinking. I saw a counselor for a while and she really helped me isolate some of the reasons that I drank (boredom, make it through, etc). I figured out I hate to do "nothing" and drinking makes it seem like I am doing something (how's that for logic!)
Anyway, thanks for sharing. I struggle with the quitting because I really truly want to believe I can manage it. Sometimes I do really well, other times not so much.