60

Today is 60 days of not drinking for me!  Hard to believe I finally was able to put some days together after all this time.  I think I googled "Could I be an alcoholic?" way back in February 2009.  Since then,  there have been many ups and downs, most recently for the better.

I had glimpses of what it would be like to be sober and present.  But there was always something coming up.  Vacations, celebrations, a bottle of wine in the cupboard, I broke a nail...well, you get the picture.

I'm not sure why it's different this time, but I have some opinions.  (one perk of sobriety has allowed me to form opinions and...voice them!).

I tried AA before but I could never really get my head around it.  I felt like it was a bunch of outcaste people who had found a place to be popular, like being allowed to sit at the cool table in the lunchroom.  Because of my superior attitude, I didn't get to know anyone and rolled my eyes a lot in meetings.  I definitely couldn't get into the God thing, since I was so mad at whomever God is, and I had decided he couldn't exist.  So after 89 days 2 years ago, I went back out and never could string many more days together.

In the meantime, my twins were becoming teenagers and had all the demands that teenagers do.  Mainly, a lot of driving to and from school or whatever sport or event they have after school today, but also a greater need for a responsible parent to be really present.  My husband seemed to be slipping into heavy drinking too, which had never been the case before.  I understood; 12 or more hour work days, uncooperative employees, and a wife who wasn't there to empathize, or even listen. So neither one of us was present for them, very often.

I knew all of these things were going on but I didn't feel bad enough to not drink.  In fact, I drank over it.

There were two bottoms.  The first was when I drove the wrong way down a street with my son in the  car and had to bribe him not to tell his dad.  I really don't recall being drunk, but then I never thought I was drunk.  I was the girl who could drink everyone under the table and still drive home.

The other thing was the panic attacks.  I woke up literally every night around 3 p.m. in a panic.  Over big or small things, didn't matter.  Asking God (all the more hopeless because I didn't believe there was a God) what was wrong with me and why couldn't I end this awful cycle.  I mentioned it to my friend who said they told her husband at rehab that this was alcohol withdrawal.  What the...?!  I didn't get sick, I never had tremors...

The last day I drank was at a football playoff party at my neighbors.  I don't think I drank any more than usual, but they are heavy pourers so I probably did drink way too much.
Of course, I had my usual panic attack that night, but this time it didn't go away.  I woke up in the morning from what little sleep I had had, terrified and hopeless.  I couldn't shake it and I couldn't function.  It took the entire day to wear off.  I made my decision that day would be my Day 1.

Of course I had done this dozens of times before, every New Year, every vacation, every time it crossed my mind that perhaps I.drank.too.much.

What's different this time is that I just did what I was told.  I went to AA meetings, like it or not.  I prayed to this God I was mad at, even though I didn't expect results.  I got a sponsor I could relate to, temporarily in case she didn't work out.  I started working the steps.  I joined a 12 step study group.  I started talking to people and getting numbers to call.

Additionally. I got rid of all the wine in my house and stayed away from liquor stores.  I avoided drinking occasions.  I drank a ton of coffee and became addicted to Starbuck lattes.  I became addicted to Netflix.  Ay thing to take my mind off that cold glass of gold pleasure.

Today at 60 days, I feel so peaceful.  My obsession with drinking, finding the next drink, having enough to drink, hiding how much I drank, is gone.  It didn't happen in one day but it happened.  I'm not saying the road will be smooth here on out;  I've been down it before.

But today I feel present for my kids and my husband, connected to the world again, and eager to see another day and what it will bring.  And that's huge.

Happy Birthday to me.