It's been 51 days since my last drink. The obsession to drink has left me, thankfully, and been replaced with my pursuit to be happy, joyous and free.
In the last 51 days, I have been waiting for the promises to happen to me, Some have, some haven't. Days are still mundane, my children and husband still get on my nerves, and I still get bored and depressed. Before, when I was drinking, I remember the mornings when I was sitting in my quiet house deciding what to do for the day, and the moment that came when I just blew the day off and started drinking. I am not doing that anymore, but there are still mornings where I experience that moment of blowing off the day. And I can't bring myself to get up and do anything besides surf the internet, watch TV or sleep. Other days I am manic in my productivity and I feel good about myself and accomplishments at the end of the day. Is this normal? Is this withdrawal from so many years, months, days of poisoning my body and mind with alcohol?
The good news is that most days I am present. I am here for my family, contributing physically and emotionally and I know they see a difference. I am reaching out to others, trying to help other alcoholics, and generally be a good person. I think about reconnecting with the people I have lost by disconnecting over these past few years while I have been wallowing in self pity, grief, and booze. How will this happen and will they let me back in?
The other day I was thinking about my parents and how loyal and loved they were to and by so many, many people. How they were so part of their community and how many people were at each of their funerals to celebrate their lives. I wonder who will come to mine? It seems like a morbid thought, but it's not a death wish. Rather it's an inventory. What have I done to earn love and respect and how have I contributed?
These are huge questions. They stem from suddenly being present enough to even think of these things.
And that's a good thing.
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